Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
