That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
