Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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