Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Randomize
