Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
