you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
