I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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