i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
