Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Randomize
