Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Randomize
