he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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