I hate your face
I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Randomize