I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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