Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Found your dick twin last night
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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