nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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