I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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