Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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