My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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