Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
