my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
