I'm so fucking centered right now
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize