Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
