My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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