So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
