I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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