So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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