i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
