I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
