Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I am naked and annoyed.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
