she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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