this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize