And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
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