I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
