respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
