Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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