I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
