I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
