Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
