You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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