He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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