wanna go halves on a baby?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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