i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
