I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
