Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
