last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Come share oat with me in your robe
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
