you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
