this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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