Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
