I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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