doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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