I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
