I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize