...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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