shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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