i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
