Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Randomize
