My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
