I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
