I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
