no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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